My year did not start as expected. Judging from the terrible conclusion I had last year, I did not expect to have it any better. There was just something about the first of January 2015,much as it found me in my worst of my worst ,jobless, idle ,sick and injured! Yes people I now I have the strength to confess that I was involved in a pretty bad accident that rendered me and my legs useless for the better part of last year’s close.
I remember the events of that day, October 6 2014, like it was yesterday. In fact there is no single day that I don’t remember them, considering that it is a car that hit me. My environment is full of cars, a replicated situation of my exact accident. Sometimes it wears me off and my heart jumps and I feel the need to run away out sight of anything in motion. Other times I want to just wait it out till I’m calm again to start walking, other times my friends hold my hand and assure me that everything is fine. Which I don’t necessarily believe but I have to accord to their confidence and choose their way. It is pretty clear that I am still pretty traumatized. I am however working on that and hopeful I will be able to manage it inwardly in case I am not able to just get rid of it all.
For the past 5 months, my life has been characterized by pain, depression, anger, tears, pain and more pain. There is no single day that passed without my crying either because my body was in great pain that never ceased to end or because I felt useless and a cabbage as I was. I pitied my mother who was forced by circumstances to take me in again like an infant. That was the worst feeling ever. Seeing her feed me clean me, gets me to thinking of just the love our mothers have of us. At the time I could not write, watch anything. All I felt was pain, I had forgotten how life was like without pain! I fell into depression. It is pretty easy to fall into depression in such instances because you feel like you are not half the person a normal person should be.
I was a super active person. My life was just how I had envisioned it, I had gotten an attachment within which I learned a lot. It really opened my eyes in film industry and I was happy to be doing so. It had a promising future for my resume. We were planning for a big production to be shot in December pre -production meetings had already began and production schedules underway. This gave me motivation to really press on. At the time my job was threatening to end ,however there was a fulfillment in it, my riding was becoming impeccable and I was doing jumps with the horse ,I could collect canters with no problems at all, hackouts were my thing. Girl I couldn’t be more proud than that and of course my job was always a reason to wake up every morning and heeds to its call besides the challenges it threw to my face.
Then I woke up and I cannot do all this any longer. My life was reduced to the bedside pain and meds. Who would fall into depression right? I remember how I kept asking how gravity could be defied. I remember how my leg was heavy I couldn’t lift it by myself-I needed someone to carry it for me, how they sewed by toes back together on, the experience I got after my toes started to decay then later on my foot, as the doctor told me “you are lucky we caught it early otherwise we could have amputated your foot”. I remember how my leg got so painful as I slanted it down, the pain was enormous, no amount of words can describe it. I always wondered how does something so obvious like putting your leg down become such a pain! I remember not sitting down because my left hip was in pain, a bruise! I remember my back pains and the tears. I remember the first time I held my crutches-a relief,I did not know how to use them for a long time. I remember when my dad and brother took me for a walk practice that lasted almost three hours ,a distance normally covered in 10 minutes. I remember the horrific dreams that kept recurring-a different version of my being hit by a car. I remember the daily dressing visits to the hospital. I remember it all. I remember trying to write it down and not being able to because I was caught up in this dark blanket.
Then the year came and I had to shave my hair, clean my phone as if leaving the past behind me. I went hiking still in my crutches. I went to school for my fourth year. First week is pain and agony. You all know how big K.U. Is and how tiring the distance a person covers daily? Now imagine a person with crutches. Something about the new year that told me all this will be history and I will walk again. Today is 10 feb,2 days past my birthday and the present I gave to myself is I finally dropped the last crutch. I am undergoing therapy now, cycling to make my leg relax and even out the pain and bring back the muscle it lost. Swimming also-physiotherapy underwater. This was damn painful at first but I always remembered the words of my doctor “this is pain you will have to endure, it never goes away until you work for it to go away”. So now my leg is not as swollen or as painful in fact I feel just fine, if I don’t over work it! Still on counseling and physiotherapy I’d be dammed if I wouldn’t be horse riding by the end of this year. And see I just wrote about it so I am indeed heading towards the right direction. Can someone please say, “happy new year!”