That was pain after pleasure

Pain I led myself to

Knowing very well that it would end up like this

He’s uncaring nature makes me curse why he came into my life

Why he had to make so big an impact in my life

Why I couldnt breath if I dint feel his presence

Why I had to wait for his call for a smile to appear

Why  I had to hide my eye away when I wasn’t in his presence

Why I had to disconnect any possible contact with him

Why I compared him to any other man bound to come my way

Why he had to be the pace setter

Why he had to be the pace setter







A sign you existed in my worst memories,

You devoured and fed on my flesh,

My being,my humanity;

swallowed,vanished ,history.




You are a pest

You infested my being,

My reality and my dreams

I curse you



I felt as if I wanted you

No I definitely knew I wanted you,

Your stronghold

Your stature

Your mind ;You




I wanted to open up to you

To let you have me,talk to me and hold me

Before I saw the other side of the coin

And wished I hadn’t open the door

My heart,my poem,

My song,my being,

Heartbroken by your being,

Your ruthless self.






My heart was continuously arching thinking that,that could be the one. He must have ,I mean I know we  were children ,naive but now I know what it made me feel,how it felt. He left me or did I let him be?He must have been the one to because how come the rest were flap cakes why did he have to rise to ripen to be sweet while the rest weren’t doing anything to that effect?I looked for him ,I wanted him again .I wanted a second chance to maybe just talk to him ,see him maybe just a handshake .A verification he was still alive.I waited for close to six years now and I remember the fragrance in his letters ,the handwriting,the voice and soft touches…everything.He left no stone unturned and I only knew after years.He was the cinnamon in my bakery;my secret ingredient and I knew times I figured the Lord might have taken  him.I mourned,I cried,I felt ashamed of myself because I wasn’t able to reciprocate what he gave so selflessly.I was selfish,egocentric and self centered.I called God and I told him my feelings and begged for forgiveness.Day after day to dusk I prayed for his soul.I lived in this ,his actions.Maybe one day I will get to see him ,maybe God will give me an opportunity to be his friend at most just want that.Hear me wherever you are and come back to me .The one that got away.To you I write,his ever present nature.






I cannot be weak

I must not be weak,I cannot cry,I do not wallow

I cant afford to be weak

This was my way of life,I was ever strong ever in control

And when I wasn’t In control I had fake it.

Don’t make yourself ‘there for me ’people are never ‘there for you’

They just make you comfortable so they could gain your trust and use it against you.

I MUST not be weak.

Whenever I experienced something hurting,something stabbing deep I just kept repeating I cannot be weak yet inside I was trembling

I wanted to run,I wanted someone to tell me ‘its gone be okay,I gotcha’

See I was born in a family of girls and ambition came without say.we had to fight to be seen and my dad made sure that ,that was well practiced.i was my fathers daughter mistakes were not tolerated nor weakness.i had to be who I had to be,strong.

“The physique,look and stature was the most important,what you show is what other people will see” he said.i disregarded his his sayings and one day just one day,I trembled ,I cried,I wallowed all in the name of freedom,releasing and unleashing my feelings sharing is solving they said?back stabbing is what I got.

It hurt more than being hurt.It ached and kept at it so I keep things to myself,yes I do.I will be strong.Do not tell me to sell my soul again because now as you read this I damn sure know that I will not.Yes I will not be weak,I will give you ammunition,I will not allow myself to be weak not again.What you show them is what they will see.A lesson well learn’ t

My philosophy of life.