DESTITUTE

They said I was fine, I represented well the African beauty, that I was now a woman and they touched me all over .Some even mentioned that I could really get money if only I had a change of clothes. Looking at the man old enough to be my father’s god father’s stretched hand I remembered the death of my father, my mother’s abandonment and my brothers illness. See I wasn’t ready to live this life alone and now that all my family members were absent the only person I lived for was my brother, my small brother who was terribly affected by the fact that mum saw us as nothing more than trouble in this world. The word she could utter when my brother and I were concerned was “mashida”. My brother in his childish way of thinking knew my mum had gone to get him chocolate, looking at mum parking I knew this was the end of my having a parent. Eliud was so innocent and happy and enthusiastic of mum’s departure and she made him believe she would bring him chocolate. Her eyes looked at me and I saw betrayal right through her. My eye automatically became wet and I sobbed begging her not to “mother please don’t” I begged but seems my words laid in deaf ears. “Dragging her behind”, she said, I was trouble and that she deserved better. Taking her things she took the bag I had already taken from her .  Eliud was happy talking in his baby  language “mashy mama ete chocoyet” and he laughs happily. I stood in the middle of the situation, mama, going and Eliud laughing childishly and my eyes couldn’t stop ,I tried ,I really did but seems I wasn’t strong enough for the situation that lay before me. Being the only parent for Eliud I had to wipe the tears off and be a parent. Thinking  Eliud with me was probably the act that pronounced me as the grown up. His cry for mum was maybe the worst experience I had  with eliud, his chocolate was the only thing that had hit him seriously and to him mama was just running late. Taking my small brother in my trembling arms and wet eyes not knowing what to do we just cried together to sleep. The dawn of the next day dictated that I had to fend for my brother and the streets were the only place I had seen people go and borrow money and food and there is where I decided to retrieve to. This was after a three days of staying in our cold ‘mabati’ houses. Eliud stopped speaking due to the hunger and cold in that house and though I tried my best to keep him warm my best proved not to enough , for him at least. Cough , cough was the only sound from his lips, the laughter went with mama and even though a kid,he felt it. This morning however seemed the only day I had left to see my brother and to the streets I went. Passing through cars , big ones and men who look at me with my small body I didn’t know what they said and meant. It’s like I was  invisible because everybody ignored my small hand that was trying to fit in to this world. All they did was giggle, look at me with scornful eyes and point at me, nothing that made sense to me. Back in my mind I knew they were laughing at my tattered clothes but that didn’t bother me at all as long as I had Eliud’s food. A hand stretched to my direction and I knew God had surely heard my prayers and this was His answer. Looking up I saw him smiling and he said that all I needed was a change of clothes, that I was pretty and that he would help me if I did him and I said yes. In his room I entered, food was in my mind. He approached me and told me to be comfortable and that I should even rest in his bed so he could bring food. True to his word, he came out and brought me food but my mind was on Eliud and how I will get him to hospital. Taking some soda I saved the rest for eliud’s supper. Sitting at the corner of the bed, he approached ,looking at me and he mend my hair that was laying loosely on my dry forehead putting it behind my ears and lifting my eyes I saw him grin, and in a moment he lifted me up to the centre of the bed. I was scared out of my bones and this was no longer  a food search. His belt made a noise and I could tell he just opened it and my child instincts told me “run !” and I did. Pouncing from the bed I ran for the door. He grabbed me from behind and told me If I dared scream he would kill me. Taking my shoulders he lifted me and dropped me at the centre of the bed. Covering my tiny body with the shadow of his image…SCREAM!!!!!

 

That was the beginning of my lone life.

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UTOPIA

I want me a fairy tale,
is that so hard?
So big a deal to ask for?

I want me a man,
who will sweep me off my feet,
Who will honor me, my being,
who will satisfy my every need
and who will be mine and me his,
I want me, him.

I want him who can’t sleep without hearing my voice,
He who aches for me
Who’s honest, loving caring,
Who’s eyes will Pierce into mine
softly and gently and holds them there.

Who will sing love songs to me
N wake me up with a smile, a kiss
and a breath of the next day, moment
Hope for tomorrow
he who will keep me treading
strides walks n runs to him
I want him, my savior
My prince, my Romeo,
my other half, MY MAN
I want me a fairy tale

 

UTO

SOUL SEARCHING

I want you to love me like a white man,
I Want you to ask for me,
seek me, torment me with your love I want you,

I want you to touch my inner soul
make merry with it
Show how a man you are on me
Tickle me with your fingers
N make love to me in the brightest of morning

I want you to have me
Have Every part of my body, my soul, my being
I want you to reconstruct my heart
show me the meaning of love hunny love me this much I beg of you.

 

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FROZEN LEMONS

Opening my eyes I saw a woman, she smiled at me her eyes so pure and happy and she looked at me and I could see her mouth utter words. I could not understand, her mouth widened and I felt the cold of outside and I cried and she smiled me and held me tight covering me with a blanket and I felt the warmth and slept.

Growing up I saw her alone and I could see her toil and moil for everything that I needed and she could struggle put me in her back and go to work with me. Well work is what I later on known was the title to what she was doing and going to daytime. In her back I got tired and tied tightly and she would go up and down ,up and down with a mop in her hands, I later on got to know its name. I could get really tired of being there and envious of other kids but I lay still in her back.

In school I went alone and saw my mum come pick me from school and bath me and feed me and we were okay. I went to class one two and three nicely and our life was heaven for I saw men with other mothers but mother never had one until I was in class six that I saw a man enter our home. He called himself Daniel and he much wanted my consent. He was being very good with me and my mother and he could take us out for lunches and dinners and he became my best friend. Looking at mum I saw her smile at him and it was a genuine smile. The smile she only shared with me when I had made her proud . The eyes were bright and I could read the chemistry in them. However I felt a pinch of jealousy raise I felt the need to let mother be happy, in any case she had made me really happy with all she could and I felt I owed it her ,to let her be happy as she had made me.

Every night she would come to tuck me in tell her I was her prince and that she loved me no matter what and I took it upon myself to love her back and help her in this journey of life that God accorded me and my mother and our life was perfect, this was before Daniel came in. This night though she came in with a smile as usual and stroked my forehead and looked at me, and said

”oh my dear grown man…what do you think of Daniel?”

“ah…he’s a cool guy I guess” waking up from my already tucked bed ”mum you love him don’t you?” and now you came to see if I was okay with him moving in?”

I had seen the difficulty she had endured in trying to tell me this very disturbing news to me but good for her obviously and I just spared her the agony. She went silent upon my question of her love to him and in a bit she accepted that she loved him and wanted him to move in with a voice so full of glow and happy and I had to say yes. Little did I know that that was the worst mistake I did.

On his arrival, things were good and in a few months mums stomach started protruding and I was old enough to know I was getting a brother or a sister and in no time baby Alice was born. A happy moment it was when she came but blows started being the air to our house. Daniel, the person I trusted and loved once changed and become the ogre of Malibu and wherever he was, was a bunch of blows and mums cry. Daniel, who I had started calling dad, a term I was not familiar with or even knew what it meant. Thinking is a dad supposed to hit my mother?

My childhood instincts telling me this isn’t right .The blows had become so many that I could no longer see my mother’s  so long a familiar beautiful face. All there was to her were loads and loads of black eyes and swollen cheeks and I knew I had to face up to this “father” I called. At my tender age I thought if I didn’t act accordingly mum would die and the thought of this was unbearable. So one day when Daniel came home drunk as usual and started his fracas .Mum sat at the sitting room holding baby Alice. He came in and started shouting at mum over some issues with food that was on the table.Mum stood and took the food away but apparently that wasn’t the issues in a few seconds Baby Alice was mercilessly thrown outside. The cry of the baby and the mother together in unison was heard, mum was calling for help from which its origin would be the ruthless strength placed on to her hairs as he pulled her by the head, dragging her away from baby Alice. I cried in sight of this and I knew that this had to go on no more.

Blows after blows after blows and cries that followed each blow. Screams for help as mother was being beaten mercilessly. No one came to the rescue, all the neighbors did was peep and gossip about it. Baby Alice had already stopped crying.I could not stand this treating anymore and I went to the kitchen and took out a knife with my trembling small hands. I could not hear a sound all I saw was my goal and destination which was to finish the trouble I started.

Mum was  down, weak and teary , this sight was enough for me to go crazy on him. I went forward to him and attacked him from behind stabbing not once or twice each time screaming and crying out bursting my anger in is body until he fell down and all my strength was gone. I  looked at mother lying there sleeping lifeless, making a hard effort in breathing and knew I had to do something immediately. Going outside I meet the landlord who volunteered to take my mother to the hospital. I went and carried baby Alice with me till she was cold, she wasn’t crying anymore; she wasn’t living anymore.

Mother was admitted for a week and I did not leave her side, I was her stronghold, her man  and her only son. At  a tender age I had accepted the title murderer. This was my life, a life of fear, a life without emotion without trust and without love. This was the life nature bestowed to me.

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CALL IT CECI

 

Thinking of the way the world displays the norms of life, you know, the man is supposed to lead in everything and maybe that may be true but not always …thing is we just let you, shocked?Well don’t be because if we want to we will take over…we just let it slide and to make you feel…you be a “man”. To save your egos a bunch of hurt feelings and your a bright day.That aside now lets talk matters of the heart,need to note I am no expert.Everybody got how they want their fairy tale to end,how we always force the dreams we create just before getting the real sleep,lying on the bed wishing this and that with this.Y’all should stop playing innocent I know I am not alone in this one.Dreams are good,at least they give us the option to be in a “good world  ” before realities hit us hard.

I personally, I like a man who owns me. The feeling you get  like you belong to some creature if may say,wanted by the same creature is just fulfilling and  trust me I tend to think I am not alone in this one, ladies can back me up. If he presents you to his friends as his wife chances are he is considering you for the future but if he is ashamed of you and cant present you to his friends, run …and fast.

Fellas you need to study your ladies see what she likes and how to approach her. Many people tell me am a hopeless love but I tend to oppose that feeling. I just live my life the way I want to with who I want to .Some will definitely call it selfish, self centered, egocentric but the truth is if it is not about you, who is it for? Y’all you need to learn that when God created this world he kept only one Adam in it, not two or three Adams and consequently you. So if its not about you, who is it about?

Guys need to learn that it takes a lot for a lady to make a move and if she displays all the clues the one thing you could do right is just uncover the clues. Try, read and get to learn her game because in any relationship there are games, I mean things that will make life interesting.

Do things that make you happy. Some of my friends will go through rough roads just to make her guy see her point or even to prove a point, I say that’s bullshit, I mean don’t take it the wrong way but who does that ?like really? if you want an apple why would you go through oranges and bananas to get it yet you could get it straight after an order? I say if you want  it, go get it, ladies you need to understand that men are very poor at reading signs and when on the other side we are good at puzzles they suck and trust you ,you will give him a half filled cup and he sees it as the most obvious, half full.

There is always two sides of looking at things ,either the cup is half full or half empty and when most people will see it as half full look at the remaining vacuum of the glass and answer the puzzle. Fill it up and do your thing. Ladies you have got to own and dictate what you have the way you want it. It’s about you.

 

 

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AN EMOTIONAL APPEAL.

 

We had sex
We did not make love
Our hearts apart,emotions adhere
Our bodies close and minds closed
We know we wanted this
We had sex
We did not make love.

 

The rhythm of the movements
The sighs and touches
Mild and apart I could sense
Longing for this was my situation
Longing for him,longing for us
We had sex
We did not make love

 

Eye to eye was the communication
He closed and I opened and the rhythm
Continued,never both eyes open
Pondering down reaching for the goal
Pain ,thoughts ,screams and a wild mind
We had sex
We did not make love
Moistened bodies we appeared to be
So close yet so far were detached
Lying so near yet so far
Downing on us ,on what had just happened,unbelievable
We had sex
We did not make love

 

A twinkle in my eye
Probably a shear tearteary eye
This was what I was waiting for
6months,9 months, I year+3 months
A stretch appeal
A stretch emotion
The gap so wide
The shadows disappear
My cry for this,I long ,I want
I am disappointed
Disfigured and probably less blind
Than I was
I saw him ,in ,deep
I knew him in deep
I just could reach deep
My cry
We had sex
We did not make love

An emotional appeal.